Hello astronominers(?) (we’ll workshop that), I write this bearing exciting news: over the weekend I moved into my very first home! It’s the perfect little house in a new town and it’s more than I could have ever hoped for. While I am super excited about this new home, I’ll admit that it’s not quite home yet. This is not alarming in any way, it’s just a little bit of reality! There’s the old addage “home is where the heart is” but in reality, I think that “home” can be a lot more of a confusing concept than that. Today I’d like to share my thoughts on my home.
September 7th, 2015: I am with my parents sitting on the patio at the Bloor & Bedford Starbucks, barely stomaching a blueberry yogurt parfait. I am fiddling with my fingers, incessantly. These are the final moments before I move into Woodsworth Residence, a whole new life ahead. I’ve wanted this for a while, but this isn’t home. Amongst the hustle and bustle of pedestrians and fancy cars, I can’t help but repeat a single thought in my head: “I can’t do this… but I’m going to do it anyway”
What is home? It’s been complicated. When I moved to Toronto for school, home was Sudbury. My friends were at home, my family was at home. My cats were at home. Everything I was, was at home. Although, as I grew into the big city, a big part of me grew with it. I became things that I wasn’t when I was at home. Because of this, Toronto slowly started becoming home, too. I knew that I considered both cities as home when seeing the CN Tower began to illicit the same warm excitement as the INCO superstack. The first sight of either of these structures in the distance meant I was home. All of a sudden, I had two homes. Homes on Homes! Whenever I’d say “I’m going home on Sunday” I’d quickly follow it up with “to Sudbury” or “to Toronto” because sometimes it wasn’t clear what I meant. A lot of it was inner conflict too. Is it okay to call Toronto “home”? It never felt the same way that Sudbury did, for many reasons – but it felt like a normal, happy place to be in. What properties does home have if not normalcy?
A lot of people asked me if I ever missed home. When I was in school, this question was about Sudbury – when I was in Sudbury for the summer, it was about Toronto. It was always strange because whenever I was in one city, I’d only subconsciously miss my life in the other. It wasn’t an ever-present longing of the other place and I didn’t ever feel like I was missing out on anything. It was more of a simple awareness. Of course, Sudbury always exists – but while I was away, life happened in Toronto. Toronto always exists – but while I was away, life happened in Sudbury. The place I wasn’t present in was auxiliary until I went back.I was always missing one or the other but it wasn’t so bad because although both were different, both were home. Though I will admit, the first day or so back in the other city was always disorienting and I don’t think I ever quite figured out how to transition from one to the other in a smooth way.
In a perfect world I’d have a blend of both. Sudbury is relatively quaint and large land-wise. It is secluded, and the culture is different. I don’t know anybody in Toronto who hunts; I’m one of the few friends in Toronto who can skate; A lot of my friends in Toronto don’t have their drivers license. Though in Toronto, the movie theatre isn’t 40 minutes away from my house, and I saw Muse play three times in four years at the ACC (scotiabank arena, whatever) and all it took was a subway ride. Sudbury taught me how to appreciate simple things such as community and it instilled in me a unique kindness that I didn’t find in Toronto. Toronto gave me the best education I could have imagined and it forced me to grow a lot in a short amount of time. My immediate family is in Sudbury, but my second family is in Toronto; I love them both. Life is simple, nostalgic, and calm in Sudbury; life is big, opportunistic, and nonstop in Toronto. I happen to resonate with both of these cities, and I don’t think I’d ever be happy living my whole life in one or the other. I haven’t quite come up with a solution to this yet and I don’t think I will for a while, but going to school in Toronto was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. It was scary, risky, and grand; but still one of the best.
Well, I’m afraid things are only going to get more complicated from here. Now I have a third home, but this time it’s an actual house that I own, in a small town that I’m not too familiar with yet. The decision to move here and buy a home was scary, risky, and grand: just like it was to move to Toronto. Luckily for me, I have the world’s greatest superpower (see blog 2) and have no doubt that I’ll find a way to make the best of this (perhaps at this point I have no choice). Sure, this new town is not “home” in the same sense that Toronto and Sudbury are because it does not yet possess normalcy. New things can have many properties, but nothing “new” is “normal” and that’s just the way it is. Normalcy is a time-dependent trait. If you’re someone like me, then something new tends to bring along a lot more anxiety than it does excitement. The interesting thing about time is that it always moves forward (well, as far as we know) and it happens to transform “new” into “normal”. How cool is that? If that’s the case, then it is inevitable that this new town will soon be home, too.
June 9th, 2020: I sit on a bench at the town pond, watching chipmunks climb birch trees and dark clouds roll in from a distance. The pond is peaceful, but so is everywhere else in this small town. An armada of trucks sit outside of the Tim Horton’s behind me and everybody is having a good time. There are no towers in the distance, and no friends or family in town. I’ve wanted this for a while, but this isn’t home. As I walk back to my temporary apartment and wait for work to come in the morning, I can’t help but repeat a single thought in my head: “I can’t do this… but I am going to do it anyway”
Regardless, it never mattered where I was going to end up: I was going to go somewhere new. I know that the best things to ever happen to me didn’t all happen in one place. No, I am not well-equipped for big changes like this – I am the least adventurous person I know and tend to endure extreme anxiety every time I make these big changes. I have been dealing with acid reflux and heart palpitations for months. However, I never let it stop me. How could I? In the words of one of today’s greatest writers (Lin-Manuel Miranda) portraying one of history’s greatest writers (Alexander Hamilton): I am not throwing away my shot!
(August 4th, 2020)
astronomine 