I can’t say there’s ever been a time in my life where I could attest with absolute certainty that I knew who I was or that I had a substantial sense of self. Of course, I do know some things about myself; my hair is brown, I dislike seafood, my favourite colour is red. Everything I am certain of is verifiably true in an objective, irrefutable way – it is supported by evidence of some sort. Because of this, the things I tend to know about myself are quite superficial in nature. Anything more abstract or profound than that is seldom accompanied by concrete evidence, which makes it difficult to be certain of.
An issue with lacking a sense of self is that I find myself seeking crumbs of evidence of my character through the people I know or the things I do. This is not necessarily something that can or should be avoided – you tend to involve yourself with people and interests that are reflective of who you are as a person, so they do indicate something. This provokes a difficult question that I do not yet have an answer to: When contemplating whether or not you possess a certain quality, what suffices as evidence? Do your actions provide enough evidence or is the way you’re perceived by others the only material/useful type of evidence? Is the only meaningful evidence internally justifiable, meaning that the only evidence that matters can be justified without external intervention? I can donate money to charity and still be uncharitable, greedy, and unkind. This action may be enough evidence for me to believe I am charitable, it may be enough evidence for the charity itself to believe I’m charitable, but those who know me still may not believe I’m charitable. Whose opinion matters here? In my mind, it’s the opinions of those who know you that’s the most “meaningful” – but that doesn’t seem right and certainly opens up the door to justify some harmful people-pleasing behaviour.
I’d imagine that a healthy mindset on the matter wouldn’t allow for people or interests to become the primary source of self-discovery or self-indication. I would hope that a more tangible sense of self would come from within. The issue with relying on people or interests is that these things aren’t constant, are not necessarily correct, and do not exist solely to provide you with reassurance in this type of way – it is not their responsibility. Also, they aren’t you. For instance, astrophysics was something I found deeply interesting ever since I knew what space was – but I’d be lying if I said my choice to pursue a degree in it wasn’t influenced a bit by the fact that it would help me develop a better sense of self. Astrophysicists tend to be viewed as intelligent people, so I thought that if I got a degree in it then I can be certain that I was intelligent, especially in something I enjoyed doing; However, during the difficult times in my degree, this mindset led me to believe I struggled because I was verifiably unintelligent. No, the more reasonable thought did not occur to me that this endeavour was difficult because it was… inherently difficult. Moreover, despite successfully obtaining the degree, I still struggle with feeling uncertain of my own intelligence daily. Another example of this is my job: I invest a lot of time into my job because otherwise, how am I to know anything about myself. This is something I struggle a lot with presently and has a lot of influence over my self-image. Clearly, relying on people & interests as a primary driver for sense of self is unwise and apparently, unreliable. Perhaps you are reading this and thinking to yourself, “wow Haley, congratulations – you just discovered the premise and consequences of external validation”. Well, I guess we all have to learn eventually!
What is incredibly irritating about all of this is that despite all the time I’ve spent with myself existing and still having all of these uncertainties, there are people who are quite certain that they know all of who I am. People claim things with an abundance of authority – they say I am too anxious, they say I am deeply complicated, they say I am too hard on myself. I often trust these external opinions more than I do my own. That is my own fault – but it’s easy to feel like it is reckless of these people to be so certain of things that have nothing to do with them. Perhaps my biggest weakness is that I trust anybody else’s assessment of myself more than I trust my own, and that I let it dictate my behaviours and hold even an ounce of influence over the choices I make. When I let other people’s assessments of me have more influence over my decisions than my own principles and priorities, I no longer feel like an individual.
What does it mean to lack a sense of self? How did this happen? How can I gain one? Is it related to a lack of confidence? Have I not been confident enough in my own assessments of myself to rely on them? Could this all be because I’m insecure? Is lacking sense of self the equivalent definition of being insecure? I do not know the answers to these questions, but I do think that I have improved in this respect quite a lot over the past few years. This likely sounds cliché but it’s true: acknowledging my feelings is the only way to discover who I am. I have become a master at subverting my feelings in order to accommodate the feelings of others; I often disrespect self-imposed boundaries in order to cater to the wants/needs of those around me; I often have not made myself a priority in my own life, and was taught by a lot of societal institutions that this is the right thing to do. Furthermore, I do all of these things to ensure that others do not feel poorly towards me, because it’s unlikely they will be introspective enough to realize that my personal behaviours and choices for self-preservation are not personal attacks towards them. I’d imagine that a lot of women are put in similar positions. My feelings are more important and reflective of myself than anybody else’s – so it’s time to stop putting others first. I need to be assertive enough in my own choices and make sure to dedicate ample time towards being critical of every situation I’m put into.
Present day, all I’m prepared to be certain of is that I trust myself to make good decisions with the facts I’m privy to. Is it currently important to me to believe I’m intelligent, fun, kind, and whatever other qualities matter to me? Yes. However, I’m not sure that knowing those things for certain (if that’s even possible) will actually be helpful in any meaningful way. I think what I will come to learn that these too are superficial qualities much like my hair colour, and the only thing that’s truly important is exactly what I already believe – that I trust myself to make the best decisions I possibly can. Anything else is auxiliary and only serves those around me. Will my decisions always be the right ones? No, certainly not – but I’m sure they will be heavily contemplated, perhaps over-analyzed, and certainly not under-considered. Currently, my decisions are the most tangible manifestations of my character that I am willing to accept, acknowledge, and believe in. They are informed by my priorities, which is something only I have control over (and nobody else). The past few years I’ve chosen to prioritize myself over anything else. I’m still finding ways I can be better at that. I would expect others to do the same.
(July 19th, 2021)
astronomine 