Hello! It’s been quite some time since I last wrote on astronomine; although, I think this is an artifact of positive changes in my life over the past while. In some ways things have become a lot more busy and hectic compared to when I started this blog, and in other ways it has become much more tranquil and I’ve found more peace. I began this blog in 2020 as an outlet for big thoughts, feelings, and questions I had while I navigated the infancy of my career in the mining industry. Naturally, I’ve become a lot more secure in this space, which has resulted in fewer things I’ve felt compelled to write about. In this time, I’ve travelled to many new countries and have now been underground in 3 continents, but I’ve also been taking more time to do things I love like knitting and running when at home.
Recently, I’ve been playing online poker. It’s been a humbling experience. I’ve put some effort towards studying the game, and I feel I am decent at the technicals – calculating odds, outs, bet sizing and understanding my position; however, anyone who has ever played poker will tell you it’s largely an emotional game beyond the technicals, even when played online. Just like real life, I find the emotional side a lot more difficult to manage. Specifically, risk tolerance and exposure.
When playing poker, it is important to pay attention to the behaviour and patterns of those around you, which I feel okay with – being perceptive has always been a strong characteristic of mine. However, when it comes to my own behaviour, I find myself too often “playing it safe”. I fold easily and also have a hard time bluffing. Yes – poker is a game where patience is really important – but playing it safe, and only waiting for the best cards is a losing strategy wherein I slowly bleed chips with every blind, even if I’m seldomly outright losing hands. Other players notice this behaviour and also are quick to take advantage of my apprehension. Being aggressive and bluffing (i.e. lying) are not things I was socialized to do, and doing those things strategically, often, and with confidence is even harder – but to be good at poker, mastering this is necessary, and on the average leads to better outcomes even if sometimes it results in a bad turn. I tend to have consistently better outcomes when I feel like there’s not much to lose and when I take bigger risks. Playing like there’s too much at stake, playing like there’s too much to lose – still leads to losing. Also, this isn’t advice for everyone, as some people should play it more safe. There are people who too often feel like they have nothing to lose and make a lot of outlandish decisions when they shouldn’t, but I am not one of them. Knowing this, I plan to adjust accordingly.
I am writing this from Toronto’s Pearson Airport, waiting for my flight to Europe – Finland, specifically – as I’m moving there for 6 months to work at our Load & Haul factory. By the time you read this, I’ll be settled into my new office in Turku. The past two weeks I feel like I’ve existed in a liminal space as I waited for today to come – big feelings of uncertainty, excitement, doom, enthusiasm. I’ve made some big decisions in my life, but most of them I have been able to think about for quite some time beforehand, and prepare every detail. This one, I feel as though I did not. Admittedly, this is not such a big decision. 6 months is a very short amount of time in the grand scheme of it all. However, there’s been a series of events and changes in my life over the past two years that make this decision feel disproportionately scary compared to other, bigger ones I’ve made before. Justifiably or not, I am feeling really anxious right now – and that’s to be expected, from me at least. Although, the cool thing about working for Sandvik is that I’ve met a lot of people who have done expat contracts around the world; people who have made much bigger, more permanent changes than this. They all seem to live exciting lives and have fulfilling careers/experiences – but I haven’t had the chance to really talk to any of them about the difficult, scary parts. So I’m writing this to say to anyone who can relate: I’m feeling anxious (but excitement too)!
Underneath all of this, is an unwavering certainty that these will be some of the best months I’ve ever had, at a much needed instance in my career. Just like in poker, I tend to make life decisions that lead to better outcomes when I feel like I have nothing to lose; when I take bigger risks. Otherwise, I naturally tend to “play it safe”. From 2020-2023, I made a lot of big changes which led me to feel that my career was progressing at warp speed, which has led to great outcomes. However, in many senses it was overwhelming and perhaps it led me to some form of burnout. As a result, recently I’ve too often been making decisions under the pretence that I have lots to lose, i.e playing it safe, and that has led to me feeling stuck and unmotivated. 2024 felt a bit like a low for me for these reasons, and this experience is just what I need to propel forward once again. Opportunities come with sacrifices and change, this is something I’ve known.
I am so excited to spend the next 6 months in Turku, Finland. When I think rationally about it, there is actually nothing to lose, not even a bit. In fact, I believe this is the best decision I’ve made in my nearly 3 years at Sandvik – and it goes without saying that I am so grateful for this opportunity and I love working for this company. This is undoubtedly a step towards The Room Where it Happens, which is, as always, the metaphorical room where I make big decisions and have a great impact on the place that I work. I will be a better engineer and person because of this. I will have more meaningful working relationships with my coworkers who have until this point been an ocean away, and I will also get to spend time close to the machines I know and love on a daily basis once again. There is no world in which it makes sense not to do this. Younger Haley imagined I’d be doing something like this, and Older Haley is where she is because of choices like this.
I love Finland and have already bought tickets to my first TPS hockey game. There are quality yarn shops literally everywhere, there is (unfortunately) a casino across the street from my apartment (but maybe it’s a sign to continue with my poker ambitions?), and I will be running a 10k race in Helsinki in April. This time, I hope to invest in a nice Marimekko dress or jacket, too. I also will not have to shovel my driveway while I’m gone – which I’m sure my partner, cat, and dog will manage.
Finland – kiva nähdä sinut taas
astronomine 